I’m sorry I’ve been bashing you lately. Saying I’m too tired to be with you, or show up for you in the way you’re always inviting me to. I’ve been using excuses like how I’m tired of the tech, and sitting all day (and all night), or that I just don’t feel connected to seeing faces on the screen like I would if we were in person, hugging and holding each other.
The truth is, it’s really not you. It’s me. And I’m ready to ‘fess up to that now. I’m missing deeply rewarding conversations and connections. I’m missing how easy it was to show up to my favourite events and shares tears, laughs, and cuddles with my favourite people. And I’m not used to generating that for myself online and I started blaming you, dear Zoom, for me not getting what I really need right now: to feel seen, heard, accepted and valued for ALL that I am. All that I’m going through right now, all my hopes and fears for the future, and all my discoveries of how the past is still living in my present today. I’ve got a lot to unpack, and I’ve been cooped up for months now, sitting with it, or avoiding it as best I can.
This letter is my new commitment to you, and to me. I’m going to stop the blame game. I’m ready to generate my life and use my discernment to get what I need, and I know where to get it and how to generate it. And I know that if I don’t know right in this moment, others do and I’ll find them and have those deeply rewarding conversations of discovery of self and others through authentically relating.
There’s a voice inside of me (maybe many), and it needs to be heard. And I know what it’s like to hold space for others and hear them too. Often I hear myself in them, and although it’s not therapy, it feels so darned therapeutic. To talk, really talk. To share, from my courageous heart to another compassionate listener. Yes, courageous sharing and compassionate listening are possible for me, nay necessary for me right now. And I’m reclaiming my right to have that in my life.
Because it’s not you Zoom, it was me. And now, a new me is emerging, and I’m coming back to you, with a fresh perspective and a grateful heart for the conduit you are to my inner world, reaching other inner worlds, and creating an outer world that we all want to live in.
Thank you for your steadfast patience. You’re a gem!